Question – “In A Relationship, What Is Real Love?”
By Sanjib Mukherjee
Our eyes do not actually see anything, they are merely a lens to filter and reflect different vibrations of light into our brain. Our mind then processes these vibrations and turns them into a mental image. Similarly, our ears do not actually hear anything; they simply filter vibrations of sound that our mind then processes to create a mental sound. The same can be said for our remaining senses, they are all mere tools to conceptualise various projections of the world. Hence, why it is said in yoga philosophy, the way we feel on the inside is directly related to the way we perceive the world on the outside.
When somebody wears a dress, we all process an image of this garment, and dependent on our preferences and conditioning, go on to determine whether the dress is indeed beautiful or not. We each have developed our own set of internal concepts, which explains why one person may love a particular dress whilst another person may hate it. Either way, the dress has remained the same; all that has changed are our individual perceptions.
Ultimately, for us to like anything in this world, we need to have certain neuro patterns to be able to realise and accept any objects, feelings or emotions presented in front of us. These internal patterns then determine our reactions to any outside stimuli.
The important wisdom to realise here is that our perceptions, likes, dislikes, emotions, feelings, passions and aversions all come from within our minds and not the outside world. For instance, if somebody shouts at us, we may feel angry, and justify our anger by blaming the other person, but in reality, the mature spiritual yogi will always be aware that anger has risen within them due to their own internal concepts and reactions.
The reasons why we become angry are immaterial, the fact remains, at that moment in time we have lost control of our emotions and our own limitations have been exposed. I’m not saying it’s wrong for us to ever get angry. Nor am I saying it’s wrong for us to ever show any emotion. The reasons why we feel or behave a certain way are of no concern to any yogi; what I am saying is that we need to be aware that these feelings, in reality, are a result of our own internal projections.
Having established the nature of the mind, and how it affects the way we feel, we can now move on to the topic of love and indeed the initial question “What Is Real Love?” Yogic vedanta philosophy is rooted in the belief that love is our very existence and already prevalent within us all. Nobody needs to teach us how to love. Nor can anyone intellectually rationalise what love really means. It’s simply a state of existence, a natural component that is already within us all. Nobody needs to teach a baby how to love its mother; nobody needs to teach a mother how to love her baby.
However, as we grow older, for whatever reasons, our mind becomes conditioned to finding love by looking on the outside. Common terminology, such as, “this person is my better half” or “this person completes me”, are grossly distorted and could not be further from the truth. No one can ever complete you. Happiness can never be found on the outside. Everyone needs to wake up to this fact: true happiness, and true love, can only ever come from within.
“I Love You” has to be the biggest lie every spoken. We should instead say, “Because of you, I am in love.”
Real love is what flourishes from inside our very being. Whenever somebody is in line with our values, ethics and sensitivities in this world, we feel an innate connection to them. Whenever somebody brings us closer to our real selves, we want them to remain closely associated to us. When two people can progress each other’s aspirations and beliefs in life, love will truly blossom.
If you are in a relationship, where you are experiencing negative feelings, or are unsure if this relationship is really the one that you want, never look to your partner or the outside world for your answers. As stated in this article, look within yourself, and first identify what is happening within your own mind. No one will ever understand your own mind better than yourself, so don’t look for others to tell you how you should feel. Real love is not a phenomenon that can be explained by anyone or anything, it’s a natural entity within us all.
A partner will either bring out these internal qualities, or suppress them, but before looking at your partner, first of all look deep within, and understand what is stopping you from being happy yourself. If you find yourself getting angry, feeling frustrated, or becoming jealous, realise these are due to your own limitations, and not an outside person. Again, I’m not saying it’s wrong for you to feel the way you do, I’m merely stating a yogic truth that only you can be responsible for your own emotions.
Once you have a firm understanding of your own mind, and why you feel the way you do, it becomes a much easier task to determine how a partner can fit into your own world. Relationships only become complicated when we hang our expectations of happiness and love on other people. Once we take responsibility for our own emotions and the way we feel, only then can we even begin to understand what “real love” actually means.
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Wooow Sanjib, its an amazing article. Like all your articles its deep, true and an easy way to implement in day to day life.
But i do have one questions, I fully agree that I am responsible for my own emotions, actions, thinking patterns and that these all create my expectations etc. But how to deal with expectations from your partner? or his (in my case) family?
Because of you, i am in love.
Beautiful post.
Extremely excellent & beautiful post. I like it.
beautiful post sanjib ji…..:)
Hey Sanjib,
One more thought
When I myself feel complete, what is the use for having a partner?
And is it true that if i am complete, you can get marry to anyone, because of observing, filtering and surrending your own emotions? Its like having a full surrendered life.
And do you think that there is a difference for woman and man? I am thinking of the traditional expectations family and man are having for their daughter in law, wife.
What are your thoughts about this?
Loads of Love..
In Love,
its beautiful ,well said… i like it
Really Nice….
understanding each other without any complaints…..no ego in love is real love…
hey Sanjib..
As usual, outstanding and so simplified.. Loved every bit of this article.. So well written.. Keep it up.
beautiful sir
Well said Suman, I loved your feedback…
i really think that that is a big solution for a lot of relation issues.
And commitment, to have a strong commitment in heart and action to eachother.
In Love,
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Sanjeb it is a good article, but I expected more depth on true love, why talk only about relationship of man and women only, go more deep, talk about how to become a love and become master.
Very good article on “Love” beautiful said:-) Keep up the good writing mate!
wow……. i was just luking for this beautiful article…….. mind was very restless but now after reading it feeling gud……… would read it again……..
Well articulated! If we are aware of our inner atmosphere (in Rishiji’s words) and the effect of this on our outer atmosphere – then we will all be guided accordingly in the Art of Living!
Dhai Akshar ‘PREM”ke{Hindi Word},
One Is For the Lover, the Other is For Beloved,
antd the Half Unknown that Exists Between the Two.
Sant Kabir
Very well explained
I liked the post …
what real love is I do not know..I feel what love is to do something what the other wants-to sacrifice,to go out of the way to do for someone,to have common vibes,to exchange positive vibrations-and most importantly-to giv rather than expect anythin n return.
excellent post Sanjibji…….no complaints and no demands…thus no ego….LOVE is sheer “giving” and above that enjoying that “giving”…..
beautiful post…
Well said,beautiful article
Beautiful Post…. I was just looking for this excellent article on REAL LOVE….. everyone should read….. soooooooo well written….. thanks Sanjib..!
Beautiful post Sanjib
.
Beautiful post …
Nice post!
Well said,beautiful article
Really amazing …beautiful n deep thoughts….
nice one sanjib…..so touching just left me mesmerised…keep up the good work.
the article is gud but for a common man it is really really difficult to have control over ones emotions. i try doing it and am successful for a couple of days but eventually it all bursts out on the loved one. there is no permanent control.
Very well explained Sanjib…..Nice article…..
Beautiful article Sanjib! I completely agree with it – having done personal development – it’s our past living in our future which is always where we are in the present and how we relate to the rest of the world, not how the person makes us feel. At the end of the day it is down to choice, who we want to associate with. Also, another thing I learned is to be 100 percent responsible for your relationships – then it comes down to a choice if you merely want to be with the person or not. Beautiful article – it’s how we relate to the rest of the world around us that counts! Jai Gurudev!
hi sanjiib..
what is real love ?…. this question keeps coming every now and then..
Why do we love? and how can we fall in love every now and then. ?
Surprisingly, whenever we are in love, we feel we cannot live without that person. but once everything goes wrong, or we are out of love. suddenly evverything is forgotten.
we suddenly can live without that person. we forget all the promises.
how funny. and then , again a new inning starts. a new project or suddenly falling in love with a new person a nd the cycle goes on..
so difficult to understand LOVE. Does it really exist.
Actually its the state of mind .
thanx.. lot to say.. but fall short with words..
HI sanjib…yeah it is really a difficult question n comes in every person’s mind..wen we think that we r in love n we think it is a true love..
so it is just our feelings towards d other…n this feelings of our soul can never b understood by other..so our thinking only make us feel gr8..
that we love so n so person..but then if it is true love then why wid time it changes…as we expect that other person also love us wid d same feel..but how can other person feel d same intensity of love..so same feeling of love that made us feel so gr8 gives us strange feelings of frustrations n depression…n strangely other person still unaware of our thoughts…so d same love changing us …so u r right this is our feelings only that changed us…noone can b responsible for this..do anyone told us to love them n expect love in return…no ..so why we think so .
so noone can complete us or give happiness or give true love…
may b it is within us ..but it is rarely understood n human nature is like that as we people are not so enlightened we see d love n try to find
outside only…
thanks for d beautiful concept…love is such a complicated issue may b ur writing n thoughts wil b able to help so many ppl…in giving a new outlook to true love…love n regards…rekha..
“Because of you, I am in love” Wonderful Line – so much truth.
Wow!! this is amazing eye opener
Wherever there is attachment, the clinging to the things of the world, you must know that it is all physical attraction between sets of particles of matter – something that attracts two bodies nearer and nearer all the time and, if they cannot get near enough, produces pain; but where there is real love, it does not rest on physical attachment at all. Such lovers may be a thousand miles away from one another, but their love will be all the same; it does not die, and will never produce any painful reaction.
Dear Sanjib,
I was not a member of “My Wisdom Club ” when you posted this beautiful article. Today I was going through couple of your old post and found it.
Through this wonderful article, you have answered all my questions which was there inside me for long…. My sincere thanks to you…
“Because of you, I am in love”…:)
this is true love very nice
vibrations… & virbrations around us… hai na…
fact hai… acha hai.. yeh paragraph is vry true